You're the ballerina in my box, the nut in my shell, the pearl in my oyster, the sugar in my cube, you're the light at the end of the tunnel, the Britney in my Spear, you're youth on a stick, baby, and I've gotta get a taste of that. Cause I've been watching you for so long, I deserve a little taste of that, been watching you from my car, from my podium, my street corner, my desk in third period algebra, back of my brothers pick up truck running 50 miles an hour, I've been watching you for so long, I'm way past horny, girl, I'm way past wantin' you, I'm way past asking you girl –

I've been watching you so long I just don't matter anymore, I'm nothing, you're everything, I'm confused, you're clear, I know you're the one, the one to help me, help me turn it around, help me stop drinking/smoking/popping/shooting up/masturbating/cheating/fucking dumb broads/hating myself/hating my father/hating my mother/you can save me, save me from addiction/compulsion/confusion/inaction, there's life pumping through your veins and I need a bit of that, just gimme a little bit of that, baby, your bulb is so bright you can spare a watt –

Sweet thing. You're so sweet, thing. Pink cotton candy, unicorn-daisy, princess without a pea, blue-eyed buttermilk kittens and horse figurines, wanna treat you sweet, soft and neat, sweet girl thing. Sugar on a stick thing. Hot lick thing. Cunt drip thang.

I’m running because I’m in love. I’m running from my love. Tears are streaming from my face, light is streaming from the sky (oh my God, the sky!) I’m running up. I’m running out.

You didn't know me then.  I had friends. They would hold my hand, and sing with their mouths wide open. We were just friends, having a good time. Life was wide open. My legs were wide open. People would come in and out. Sometimes I really liked it. Sometimes it was good, it was like I was in love. Life was wide, like the sea.   I sailed to such lovely places.

The sand is. Something so… big. Like an ocean, but nothing like that, except it, like it moves you know, it changes shape…   Alli’d freak if she could see me now. Nah, mom.  You wouldn’t like it here too well. It’s like 120 degrees right now I shit you not. You have no idea what that even is. I have no idea what this even is, shit messes with your mind.And all the Nothing. Nothing to look at nothing to do nothing to feel. (I don’t know.) Maybe Alli’d like that part. (I don’t know.) Trying to figure out why you let me, Mom. Why you let me come to this. Nah, that’s bullshit. I’m not trying to figure nothin’.

(fingering the bullet)

“Peace in the Middle East.” (Justin).

 

I’ve gotten less and less primal. It’s all these civilizing forces. I mean it’s good to be civilized, you have to be civilized, you can’t live as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist, you can’t live as if your wife doesn’t exist and just fuck whoever you want to fuck, of course there’s consequences for all of that, but you know, I used to be more in touch, you know, even in exercise, the way I used to run, the places I used to run, how I carried my body in the world, how I noticed your body, how I connected to the basic functions of myself, you know how I felt the air going into my lungs, and maybe, you know maybe it’s the cell phones and the everything else that’s been chipping away at all that, it’s like tech-domestication, maybe I’m letting technology take me away from, you know – the carnal –

...Anyway, I’m thinking of chucking the Kindle.